This story is good for two reasons. 1. Use these idiots are a guide for what not to put up your butt. And 2. It will stop some of you people from using the excuse “I feel on it” if you do stick something there.

First I want to give a shout out to Reddit for having such a crazy diverse community. These threads are getting more and more popular and they keep surprising me with the large amount of random groups of Redditors. The thread blowing up today was: ER doctors of Reddit, what are the craziest excuses you get for people putting things up their butt?

I had no idea this many Doctors were on Reddit! Here are some of the craziest “excuses”

When I was first interning at a trauma center, a dude said he went to his daughter’s bathroom since his wife was taking a while in the shower, says he slipped and up goes his daughter’s whole Barbie doll up his ass.
When we did the X-Ray, we saw Barbie. Not only was she way up in there, but her arms were straight up and hair was everywhere, it really looked like she was having a grand time!

Shaving cream can. Not a small one. He didn’t have an excuse… And he was rather proud of himself. He asked for a copy of the X-ray.

This dude had a ball problem:

My personal favourite was a dude who clearly had a golf ball up there after I checked on PR exam (yes my finger was up his butt).

Me: so you’ve got a golf ball up there?

Him: yeah but that’ll come out easy. It’s the cue ball in there that I need you to get out for me.

On my emergency medicine rotation an elderly male came in with a lightbulb in his rectum. We asked about domestic abuse but instead he stated his wife had low libido, and he was “looking for a charge.” He later admitted with a chuckle “I guess it wasn’t the brightest idea.”

Fortunately those cork-screw shaped compact fluorescent lights are pretty sturdy, and they come out easier if you twist them on the way out.

Edit: thanks for the gold!

Edit 2: Yes, there is mercury inside those bulbs.

In the hospital I worked in through university, word used to get around pretty quick when someone came in with something up their butt. They always said that they fell on it.

One was a tennis ball, and he said he was watching tennis on tv, while naked and playing with tennis balls, then fell on one.

We always joked about how sick people can be, until one day a guy came in with an apple up there. Of course he fell on it. Detectives later came to interview him. When we became aware of their theory that it was there because he owed the wrong people money it all became a lot less funny.


Dude was found laying face down on his couch, completely naked, with a fish tail sticking out from between his cheeks. Firefighters and Paramedics were trying their best to not laugh. He never gave an excuse. All he said was… “it was frozen when it went in”. LOL the fish thawed up his ass and the scales made it so he couldn’t pull it back out.

He ended up needing ass surgery to remove the fish.

Also to top it off like I said everyone was trying to be professional, but just before the ambulance doors closed to take him to the hospital one of the firefighters pokes his head in and said “next time don’t play with your food buddy”. At this point no one can keep from laughing and everyone except the patient loses their composure. The patient tried to sue the ambulance company for not being professional but soon realized it would mean this entire incident would go public and changed his mind.

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