1. The O-face. The reason we tend to bury our face in the nape of a girl’s neck when we orgasm is because at that moment in time, our face looks like we bit into a lemon while our penis has a seizure. It is something no one needs to see.
2. That weird sweat smell. It doesn’t always smell bad in the moment, but then afterward, it’s like, “Oh, wait. That’s the smell of my wet ass. That’s what my damp butt smells like.” If you walk into a man’s bedroom, and you see a candle, it’s because that man’s sweaty butt smells weird. It’s the only reason that candle is there.
3. That we haven’t been to the gym in a few weeks. But honestly, we just sit on our phones and play Clash of Clans next to the squat rack anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
4. That we just burped but we played it off by casually mentioning that the house was on fire and you needed to leave. If we’ve got gas during sex, going for the “house on fire” play is really the only option we have.
5. That we’re trying really, really hard not to come too soon. We’re doing this for easily 50 percent of the time we’re having sex. Hell, I’m trying not to come right now as I write this and nothing is even happening.
6. That we struggled undoing her bra. I don’t care how many bras we’ve undone in our life, some bras are just difficult. It’s even worse if we get cocky and go for the one hand no-look, only to fumble terribly and then ask her to just turn around after 30 seconds of messing with it.
7. Our weird balls. Hopefully, she pretty much just maneuvers around them, but if not we pray she don’t get a good look. I don’t want to body-shame anyone, but I think the general consensus is that everyone thinks balls look weird. It’s one of the few things that unify mankind. No matter whose balls they are, they look like the eggs from Aliens.
8. That part of us, even if it’s a small part, thinks that maybe deep down this is some kind of scam. Why else would you be sleeping with us on purpose? Seriously, in what dimension are we perceived as a sexually viable candidate? I can’t speak for every guy out there, but personally, I’m always a bit incredulous when I sleep with someone for the first time. Like, maybe I’m just being distracted while five men carry all the furniture out of my apartment and off into the night.
9. That we have a bunch of garbage under the bed. Because the second we realized she was coming over, we basically just shoved everything under there.
10. That we have a bunch of garbage on the bed. We forgot some stuff.
11. That you’re basically inside a Dumpster. There is garbage everywhere. Please don’t leave.